Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
We all have our pet causes.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
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There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Finally!
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.