Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
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[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.