I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
You Might Also Like
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no