a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
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Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?