Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
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We are the people our parents warned us about.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
#StillHurts
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars