People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
You Might Also Like
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
A Short Story.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]