I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
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Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
True
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes