(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
You Might Also Like
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.