“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
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is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
What
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Every. Damn. Time.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.