My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
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Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.