cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
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When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.