hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
You Might Also Like
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Just me?