I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
You Might Also Like
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-