M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
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Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
We’re all getting idioter.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
In space, no one can hear…
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks