My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
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If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy