Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
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Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?