Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
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When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
crazy
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.