When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
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My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Has science gone too far?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*