[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
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Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine