Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
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Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
bad news gang
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.