[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
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Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Spring cleaning checklist…
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.