Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
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No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.