Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
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ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news