Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
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Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
In case you needed to hear it:
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Very problematic
🙀🙀🙀😹
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease