This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
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If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Social distancing in Australia:
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.