Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
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Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
You sure about that?
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.