If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
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I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.