Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
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SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.