Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
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I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”