I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
You Might Also Like
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”