From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
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I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Well, shit
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.