*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
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[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
my one true gender
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.