I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
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I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I have so many questions.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*