lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
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[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving