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I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
found my next D&D character name
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra