I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Oh thanks BBC.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.