Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
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[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC