Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
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All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Wait a minute…
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE