Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
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*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own