I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
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That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car