I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
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“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
what could possibly go wrong?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
real
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.