yall want some gasoline milk
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.