Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
You Might Also Like
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
presenting your incognito window wrapped
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
how much for the angry fruit?
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.