What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
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Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.