Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
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Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
#inspiration #foodforthought
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.