My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
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Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.