My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
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A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Go hard or stay average
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.