Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
You Might Also Like
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
buying dead houseplants to save time
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.