When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
I think this should do it.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
My brain is a bad influence on me
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.