Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
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Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
But I really needed water water water
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.